Strength Is Not Always A Good Thing

I am the type of person that feels the need to always be strong. I hate crying and I hardly ever ask for help. I hardly ever accept help either when others offer, even though I REALLY need it sometimes. During this past year dealing with Cranio I barely cried. I always felt like I had to be strong and when I did cry it was because I couldn't stop myself or hold it in any longer. 

I felt that if I let myself be saddened or cry about it that I wouldn't be able to be there as much for Eli. I made it my job to learn as much as I could about craniosynostosis but it was all from a clinical standpoint and not an emotional one. Everyone that I had talked to about it kept on saying that they would be a bawling mess and they didn't know how I was handling it so well. I thought that being strong was something to be proud of but really it isn't. Holding on to all that fear and sadness just makes you explode in the end and I realized that I was doing nobody any good by trying to be strong. 

I didn't even think to try to join a support group or find one on Facebook. I am kind of embarrassed to admit this but I only joined a group on Facebook because I was trying to complete a task given to me by my up-line for my business. I am so glad that I did join that group and it has been such a great resource that I almost missed out on. I spent hours trying to decide whether or not to apply for a care package by Cranio Care Bears. I wouldn't have even known about them if I hadn't joined the group. I ended up getting a care package from them and I cherish everything that was in it. Especially the prayer ribbon. It has a special place in Eli's room now:

With Eli's condition the number one thing I thought about was that other families have it so much worse than I do. That I shouldn't be as scared or mad or sad because his condition is fixable. Somehow others pain made me think I couldn't have any pain myself. It made me think I was being disrespectful to those who have lost their children or are dealing with worse if I was sad about Eli. Doing that really hindered me. I have learned not to compare myself and my situation to others. It was really hard to break that but it is really important. I am allowed to cry and feel sad about my son going through a major surgery. No, that wont be rude or disrespectful to other families that are having problems. It is a scary thing no matter who has it worse than I do.

Even now that I am on the other-side I feel like I have to do it all. I really never ask for help and if someone offers it my first instinct is to say no. All it does is make me very stressed out and then I tend to yell and be angry more. I need to learn how to rely on others. That is what God wants us to do. If he didn't want us to have companions and friends then he would have just stuck with Adam. Humans are made to seek companionship. 

I guess my main reason for this post is to tell everyone, you don't have to do it all. You don't have to be ashamed of crying. You can depend on others when you need them. This is something I have to tell myself even more. How you feel does matter and there are good people out there that will help you. There is a lot of fear in this world, but there is a lot of good too. 

Now that I got that off my chest I wanted to do an update on Eli. He is healing really good! I am so proud of him each day. He is now pulling himself to stand and he has two teeth that came in! We decided to get him a helmet to protect his head because he is a crazy little man. We got that this week and he also started therapy this week for torticollis. Torticollis is when one side of your neck doesn't stretch or move as much than the other so your head tilts a little bit. We now are going to physical therapy twice a week and learning how to stretch out those muscles so that his head is straight. He still doesn't know what to think about his helmet, or physical therapy. 

I love his helmet. I think it looks really cool. I am hoping he gets used to it quickly. Well, naptime for the kids is over and I am being called. Until next time, whenever that may be. Thanks for taking time to read!

Peace and Love, 

Being God Smacked

This past year has been a roller coaster for me. I have had some of the best moments and some of the worst. I have had a baby then had to take my baby in for a major surgery. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. There is a plan in place and sometimes its not the plan we want. It doesn't mean it isn't a great thing that leads to much happiness but at the time it doesn't seem so great. I never thought I would say this...but I am so thankful for what we have gone through in the past year. 

I am not going to lie, it has been extremely rough. I have had to welcome my little boy into this world just to fear that I would lose him. I have had to put his life in someones hands that I barely even know. It has been a scary, hard, and sad year. It has also gave me a reason to help others. I am the type that strives to help others. If I see a car accident, I am going to see what I can do to help. If I see someone in need then I will give them my last $5 to help them out. I saw that doctors don't really know what cranio is. I saw that sometimes they wont listen to parents telling them that something is not right. Going through what I have has given me an opportunity to spread awareness and be able to help out other families. For that I am thankful.

There are times when I feel like I am being pushed towards a certain way. I like to call this God smacked, it makes me laugh when I call it that but that's what I feel like it is. I feel God leads us down the path we are supposed to go. We can determine whether that path is the one we take because we can make our own decisions but I feel sometimes things just line up so wonderfully that it has to be God. I have been a stay at home mom for almost three years now. I love being with my kids but I have been wanting to go back to work and be able to financially contribute to our family. I also worked really hard for my degree and I love doing the medical assisting and phlebotomy. 

Here is where I have been God smacked. I have looked around everywhere for a medical assisting job because that was the main part of my degree. I have looked into phlebotomy but if I am being honest, not as hard as medical assisting. I have not been able to find a medical assisting job. Then I became pregnant with Eli. Eli was a welcome blessing but also one that we were not expecting. So, just as I was able to go look into my career again I had to put it on hold to welcome another member into our house. Then cranio happened. It took all these plans I had and turned them completely upside down. There are so many emotions that I have had but who would have thought in the midst of this all I would feel joy. I have been able to figure out how to help others and have felt so much joy and pride seeing my son's recovery. I already knew he was amazing and this just proves it more. 

I absolutely love Beaumont hospital. Beaumont will always have a special place in my heart for what they have done for my family and my son. There are a few wonderful hospitals in Southeast Michigan that helps out cranio families but God pushed me to Beaumont for a reason. I actually did call another hospital and scheduled an appointment to see them. It would be about a month to see them and they didn't mention doing an x-ray or anything they were going to just check him out first under the diagnosis of plagiocephaly. It was a gut feeling to also call Beaumont and when I talked to the nurse there she got me in the very next week and made us go in for an x-ray. She said that it could very much be plagio but prepare for cranio and her daughter had craniosynostosis so she knows how scary it is. At that moment I just felt drawn to Beaumont and I feel that was God nudging me to go there. 

While we were in the hospital Eli had to have blood drawn. The phlebotomist came in and I was talking to her and I mentioned that I had a phlebotomy degree. She immediately gave me her email and said to message her a copy of my resume. I mentioned that I wanted a part time job, and that I had to be at home with the kids while my husband was at work. Most of the time that is an issue but she said that they are hiring for a part time phlebotomist right now and the hours are 4-8am or 7-11pm. Those hours were perfect and I leaned more towards the 7-11 shift so we wouldn't have to get a babysitter at all. When we got home I immediately gave her my resume and they set me up for an interview. 

When I got to my interview I was very nervous. I don't have much experience and I cannot work on Friday. Not working Friday was an issue. I thought I did horrible on my interview because I pretty much did the opposite of what they tell you to do. Instead of giving short precise answers to questions I rambled. I got off track and I forgot what I was going to say. I thought I was a mess. I have kept up on my degree. I look up something pertaining to my degree each month and every time Eli had to have something done I watched what they did. They asked me what the procedure was for a blood draw and I walked them through it. They were impressed that I was able to remember it so well for not having done it in 3 years. They thanked me for coming out and I left the interview thinking that I failed it but putting it in Gods hands. 

There is a reason why one thing led to another. I just kept that in mind that when something works out so perfectly it's out of my hands. I learned that when we got our house last year after 4 other houses that we put offers on didn't work out. I love where I live and I love my neighbors so that was also a time where I feel we had been God smacked. I just got a call yesterday and I am happy to announce that I start at Beaumont next month! I am excited and nervous but I know I am doing what I am supposed to be. 

That huge story (that got off track a couple times, sorry) is just to say sometimes when life isn't going the way you want it to put it in Gods hands. Even if you don't believe in God just try it. Try to become more like Jesus (which I think is what everyone should strive for whether we believe in him or not) and when life leads you down one way then go with it. There are times where it is going to be hard and you are going to ask "why me?" and feel like your whole world is crashing down. The thing is your world does not crash down and it can lead you to amazing things. Even if you don't have a plan just remember God does. You just have to listen. I am so thankful for my family and especially my little man. I am thankful for my journey and I am excited to see where God leads me next. I am so thankful for all my children but I am thankful for God blessing me with Eli. He might have not have been expected, but my life is now full because he is in it. 

Sometimes our biggest blessings are the ones we don't plan or weren't expecting. Just something to keep in mind. 

Peace and Love, 

Being A Not Perfect Parent

Over the past week I have been thinking about my kids and the impossible task of being a perfect parent. I love all my kids more than anything in this world and I want more than anything to be a perfect parent to them. I have a fantasy about how a perfect parent should act. The more and more I build up this fantasy the more I realize that I will never be this perfect parent. With realizing this I decided to write an apology to my children listing some of my bad mommy moments.

Dear Emelia, I am sorry that mommy has road rage sometimes. I realized this has become a problem when at every red light (or just stopping) you yell "COME ON!" I will try to do better in the future.

Dear Eli, I am sorry that I have dropped my phone on your face while cuddling when you were a younger baby. Now that you have had surgery, I will not hold my phone directly above us while cuddling.

Dear Bridgette, I am sorry that I am so hard on you. I just want you to grow up to be a caring and responsible person. I know I need to settle down and let you be a kid.

Dear Emelia, I am sorry that mommy and daddy (sorry dear, but I am not going to take full blame for this one) swear. When we went to the doctors office and when you were playing a game on mommy's phone, every time you messed up you would say "da*mit." After I picked my jaw up off of the floor I realized we should really watch what we say, even if we say it by accident.

Dear Eli, I am sorry that I am now making you sleep in your own bed and in your own room. I wanted to be that perfect parent that never had their child sleep with them and their children were happy and comfortable in their own beds. I wasn't able to do that with you and now I hope you forgive me for letting you cry it out. Mama is so tired and needs sleep.

Dear Bridgette, I am sorry for taking control over a lot of things you do. I know I can be over bearing at times and I need to be okay with letting you make your own decisions. You are a big girl and you should be given that opportunity more.

Dear Emelia, I am sorry that mommy doesn't always take you outside and plan super fun days with you. Sometimes the days get overwhelming and I am very busy. I will try to do at least one fun thing with you a day.

Dear Eli, mommy is sorry that sometimes she needs a break from you. I wish I could handle spending every moment of every day with you but I cant. Sometimes mommy needs alone time.

Dear Bridgette, I am sorry that you see daddy and mommy argue sometimes. It doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen to our family, it just means that we have an issue we need to work out. We will try to handle differences in a different way but know that no matter what we both love you.

Now that I aired out some of my faults (not all of them because you would be reading this for days) I wanted to name at least one thing I love about each of my kids.

Bridgette, I love how smart you are and how much you love to learn. I am so proud of you every day and how much effort you give when it comes to schooling. I cant wait to see what you grow up to be.

Emelia, I am so proud of how caring you are. I know that if anyone gets hurt (even hurt feelings) you are there to give them a huge huge and kiss and make them feel better. Your compassion towards others is a great thing and I hope you never loose it.

Eli, I am so proud of such a strong little guy you are. You have gone though so much and you are not even a year old yet. You spend every day with a smile on your face and you don't let things faze you. That strength you keep with you will take you places. Just don't think you always have to be strong, even the strongest people need help sometimes.

Every day I hope that my children grow up knowing how much I love them. I might yell at times and lose my cool but my love for them will never waver. Some days I need to realize that my children are just as imperfect as I am and that is what makes us wonderfully human. The faults we have make us who we are just as much as the accomplishments. To all those other mommies out there that are struggling with trying to be the perfect parent. You might make mistakes but you are a wonderful parent and as long as you LOVE your children, the mistakes you make wont matter much.

Peace and Love,

The Bullying Problem

First a picture of little man and how well he is doing. I love to show off my little dude:

I have been thinking about the topic of bullying for a while now. Pretty much since I first got Eli's diagnosis I wondered what his life would be like growing up. When I was in elementary school (2-4 grade) I remember coming home crying because somebody said something mean to me that day. Luckily, it didn't continue throughout my whole school career but it is something I remember. I belong a Facebook Group for parents that are dealing with craniosynostosis and I have seen the topic of bullying brought up quite a bit. Some children live completely normal lives after their surgery with no other surgeries but others have syndromes and have to have multiple surgeries. Some children's head shape will always be different from the cranio and some of them are being bullied because of it,

This makes me so sad because these children have gone through so much and they are warriors. It makes me sad that any child would be bullied and even though schools are doing a lot to prevent bullying now a days it is still happening. I feel like I need to air my opinion about this for people to read. You might not agree with me and that's okay but regardless I need to get my feelings out. I tried to make it easy with three points, but I'm a complicated person so the points are exactly as straight forward as I would have liked. Here we go:

1. Children can be the most caring, loving, and generous human beings. They can also be the most cruel. They are sponges and they really do pick up the behaviors and actions that are taking place around them. It is our responsibility as parents to make sure we are being good role models for our children. If they see us being judgmental of others then they will be judgmental of others. We need to teach them that there is no such thing as normal and differences are nothing to be afraid of. We need to teach them that just because a person is different doesn't give them a reason to tease and pick on them. We need to stop teaching our children that if a boy or a girl picks on them that means they like them. That just makes bullying seem like its okay because that means that the person likes them or that they like that person. No kindness and caring means you like someone.

 When you start to point out differences and make fun of people your children think that that is okay to do and its not. It's really sad to see full grown adults being so cruel to others. Half of the time the parent is worse than the child when it comes to bullying. Don't think that bullying happens just in children, it doesn't. Adults can bully other adults too and children pick up on that quite quickly. We are all created by God and loved by God. Regardless of our differences we are all human beings and if we instill that in our children then they will instill that in their children. I remember a quote that says not only do we need to leave a better world for our children, we need to leave better children for our world.

2. Stop thinking that emotional pain is not pain. Stop thinking that just because someone is an emotional person that they are weak. Sometimes words can hurt more than a fist could. I remember reading about some suicides caused by bullying and I remember seeing some people saying that the person was weak. I remember seeing survival of the fittest and that the person deserved to die. Are you kidding me? First of all every life should be cherished and the loss of life is sad. NO matter whose life it was or how it ended it will still be sad. Don't get me wrong, when I die I know I will be in heaven and that is a wonderful thing. It is just a transition but it doesn't mean that the person wont be missed and that persons life didn't matter.

When a person commits suicide it does not mean that they were weak. They have just been worn down to the point where they see life as not worth living and nobody should ever feel that way. Emotional pain is such a deep pain, one of the deepest pains there are. If a person is being bullied every day and sometimes every hour of every day it wears them down. That's why we need to create kinder children and let them know teasing, bullying, and cruelty will not be tolerated. We need to teach them that every life is precious.

3. When your child points or stares make that an opportunity. Don't automatically scold the child for noticing differences. It happens, children (actually all humans) are curious beings. When we scold our children for staring or pointing we are teaching them that being different is bad and to be feared. It's not, so make it an opportunity for your child to make a new friend. When your child points or stares how about asking them if they would like to introduce themselves to the person instead of instantly scolding them. Yes, staring and pointing may be considered rude but it is also them just being curious.

I rather have a child come up and directly ask me what happened to our son. I rather have an adult do the same thing. It gives me a chance to tell them about craniosynostosis and create awareness. Now does everyone feel that way? No, probably not but the majority of people that has gone though what we have would want to spread awareness and make children not afraid of our little ones. My sons scar can be pretty scary. Especially now that its still new, but it gives me a chance to tell others what a little warrior he is.

I am both scared and excited for what the future hold for my children. I would be wrong to think that they will never be bullied in their life, because sadly they will. It's my job to make sure that the bullying doesn't make them cruel. So, if you see me and my little cranio-warrior around come and say hi! Tell your children to come and say hi and I will gladly answer all the questions you guys may have. I am so proud of my little man. He has gone through so much in his short life and he is still smiling and happy. Like Ellen DeGeneres says "be kind to one another."


Peace and Love,