I felt that if I let myself be saddened or cry about it that I wouldn't be able to be there as much for Eli. I made it my job to learn as much as I could about craniosynostosis but it was all from a clinical standpoint and not an emotional one. Everyone that I had talked to about it kept on saying that they would be a bawling mess and they didn't know how I was handling it so well. I thought that being strong was something to be proud of but really it isn't. Holding on to all that fear and sadness just makes you explode in the end and I realized that I was doing nobody any good by trying to be strong.
I didn't even think to try to join a support group or find one on Facebook. I am kind of embarrassed to admit this but I only joined a group on Facebook because I was trying to complete a task given to me by my up-line for my business. I am so glad that I did join that group and it has been such a great resource that I almost missed out on. I spent hours trying to decide whether or not to apply for a care package by Cranio Care Bears. I wouldn't have even known about them if I hadn't joined the group. I ended up getting a care package from them and I cherish everything that was in it. Especially the prayer ribbon. It has a special place in Eli's room now:
With Eli's condition the number one thing I thought about was that other families have it so much worse than I do. That I shouldn't be as scared or mad or sad because his condition is fixable. Somehow others pain made me think I couldn't have any pain myself. It made me think I was being disrespectful to those who have lost their children or are dealing with worse if I was sad about Eli. Doing that really hindered me. I have learned not to compare myself and my situation to others. It was really hard to break that but it is really important. I am allowed to cry and feel sad about my son going through a major surgery. No, that wont be rude or disrespectful to other families that are having problems. It is a scary thing no matter who has it worse than I do.
Even now that I am on the other-side I feel like I have to do it all. I really never ask for help and if someone offers it my first instinct is to say no. All it does is make me very stressed out and then I tend to yell and be angry more. I need to learn how to rely on others. That is what God wants us to do. If he didn't want us to have companions and friends then he would have just stuck with Adam. Humans are made to seek companionship.
I guess my main reason for this post is to tell everyone, you don't have to do it all. You don't have to be ashamed of crying. You can depend on others when you need them. This is something I have to tell myself even more. How you feel does matter and there are good people out there that will help you. There is a lot of fear in this world, but there is a lot of good too.
Now that I got that off my chest I wanted to do an update on Eli. He is healing really good! I am so proud of him each day. He is now pulling himself to stand and he has two teeth that came in! We decided to get him a helmet to protect his head because he is a crazy little man. We got that this week and he also started therapy this week for torticollis. Torticollis is when one side of your neck doesn't stretch or move as much than the other so your head tilts a little bit. We now are going to physical therapy twice a week and learning how to stretch out those muscles so that his head is straight. He still doesn't know what to think about his helmet, or physical therapy.
I love his helmet. I think it looks really cool. I am hoping he gets used to it quickly. Well, naptime for the kids is over and I am being called. Until next time, whenever that may be. Thanks for taking time to read!
Peace and Love,
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